Knowing Who I Am

For as long as I can remember I’ve been searching to find my place. In high school I can remember feeling like I needed to find my circle of friends and keep my spot in that group. In college I sought to figure out how I could establish myself valuable and able as I auditioned for operas and ensembles. And even as an adult I’ve struggled with trying to find my place in our church home. I vividly remember sitting on my couch with my husband crying about the fact that I didn’t feel like I had a role or was wanted. Everywhere I tried to serve felt forced. I often felt like I wasn’t wise enough or smart enough to lead a group. Or that no one was asking me to help in their ministry because I wasn’t good enough. (Side note: Now looking back I see that my perspective was so off and that my identity is in Christ - not in what I do. I wasn’t on staff or didn’t have an official title, but I was part of so many pieces of our church and it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t every week and it wasn’t consistent, but I learned to love that. I learned that that was perfect for me. Its funny how our perspective can be so distorted by our feelings.)

This desire to fit in or feel a part of something has come along with me here in Tennessee. When we first moved here I was content with not finding my place. Everything was so new and I was trying my best to adjust to our new home. But about six months in as I started to connect with others and settle in a little more I found myself asking again, “Where’s my place?” and  “Am I valuable?”.

Though I have these moments of insecurity I’ve learned how to sit and wait for God to reveal to me where to serve. I’ve learned how to be ok with not having a title.  I know the things I’m passionate about and I pray for my Father to show me next steps and to present them to me when the time is right. And if that takes awhile, I’m ok with that. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I love Jesus and I don’t have to be in an official position to love others well. I know who I am and am content to rest in that as I wait for next steps.

Though my Father has been so patient and gracious with me as I learn these lessons, I still struggle in other ways. We live in an area where strong women surround me. Everyone seems to have a purpose, a calling, and a passion. I love how there are so many creative people in this city who are making a difference. They are sharing their ideas and dreams and encouraging others to do the same. In so many ways I am inspired. It’s contagious! Nashville has always been magical to me and now living here I feel this desire to dream more. I find myself far more open to the possibilities of big things that God may have for me than I did back in Texas. But, I often feel like I’m not enough for those big dreams. And if I were back in Texas would I still dream this way? I often feel like a little fish in a big pond. I’m fearful that I don’t really know what I’m doing. The story I tell myself is that when I share a glimpse of the path God may be leading me down others look at me and think, “So many other people are doing that. You’re nothing special.”

You guys, sometimes I’m a mess! I let fear and insecurity take over. I allow myself to feel inferior to those around me. I let these things paralyze me and I do nothing!

But God.

As I navigate these questions of what I should pursue or what should be my next steps and wrestle with my insecurities and fears Jesus reminds me that these things I’m telling myself, the words that are filling my head with doubt and worry, are not who I am because they are not who He created me to be. He reminds me constantly that I am His and I am loved (1 John 4:10). He reminds me that He created me with such purpose and intentionality. That I’m not randomly put together but that the desires and passions I have are there on purpose (Psalm 139:13-14). He tells me often that its ok that I’m human and that I fail because it’s not about me being strong or perfect (2nd Corinthians 12:9). He tells me that He will always lead me. If I ask He will provide (Philippians 4:19). And even if I don’t ask, He still knows my heart, my struggles, and my mess and He will still provide.

God, how precious your thoughts are to me; how vast their sum is! If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand; when I wake up, I am still with you. Psalm 139:17-18

I don’t have to strive or struggle trying to figure it all out. It’s ok that I don’t know all of the answers. I don’t have to prove myself. I can rest and be still. I can wait. I can find my peace in the fact that I have a Father who loves me and will guide me as I do my best each day to connect with Him and love others.

What about you? Do you question yourself? Do you ever just feel not good enough? In those moments fill your heart and mind with words from your Father. Fill your soul with truth. Remember that you have a Father who adores you. You are precious to Him. Rest in that and He will reveal to you your next steps.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Heather Williamson, a native Texan resides in Franklin, TN with her husband Steven and her three girls Kayley, Kaidence, and Kaitlyn. Heather and Steven celebrate that God rescued them from a broken marriage and redeemed their relationship with one another and their Savior. They have a passion for walking along-side couples who are struggling in their own marriages praying God will use their broken story to be a testament of hope. Heather also loves sharing life around a table with other women as they enjoy the God given pleasure of a good meal. Speaking of food, she loves the gift of a good taco, queso, or guacamole…really she just loves Tex Mex.