Our baby girl will be here in some short weeks.
Lately, I've been sifting through her clothes and preparing the space she will come home to. I've been holding her dresses and shoes, imagining her little feet and what it will feel like to hold her for the first time. What it will feel like to behold her for the first time.
This time last year, the thought of beholding our newborn was a distant dream. Thinking about having children made me fall more in love yet hurt deeper for what would have been mine. At the break of springtime, I knew I was pregnant with our first baby. There came a point early on in pregnancy that instinctually, I knew something was wrong. One evening began a long journey of miscarrying.
As my miscarriage went on, eventually the only thing I felt capable of doing was losing. I felt betrayed by my own self. I felt angry with my body as though I could have done something differently to keep the baby being built inside of me.
One morning when I thought it was all over, I began to bleed again. I remember coming down to my knees bedside, angry, embarrassed, and drained of myself. I laid there before the Lord, baring all. It became clear to my pride and independence that my fight was lost. I couldn't reverse time or stop my miscarriage. I couldn't make use of my pain on my own, and I couldn't heal my body.
Within moments of coming down to my knees, I heard the Lord direct His scripture to me: Luke 8. The passage is titled, Illustrating Jesus’ Authoritative Word. And what story is found within this very passage?
Yes. You might have guessed it. The woman with the issue of bleeding for twelve years. Ha! As I read through it, I was captivated at the way this woman threw her body to the feet of Jesus.
“When the woman saw that she was discovered, she came trembling and fell down before Him. In the presence of all the people, she declared the reason she had touched Him and how she was instantly cured. “Daughter,” He said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” Luke 8:46-48 (NIV)
While laying there reflecting on that passage, the noise in my heart stopped for the first time in weeks. This woman had nothing in her hands when she came to touch Jesus. She brought nothing with her and the instant she touched Him, her bleeding stopped. When confronted, Jesus spoke to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” (Luke 8:48) Simply touching Jesus’ tassel ceased twelve years of bleeding. Because He did a miracle for her, I prayed to believe He would for me. He didn't need more than what she brought, which was simply herself. He did the rest.
That morning I could feel my grief began to shift. I prayed to believe that I would bear children again one day. I asked for our faith to be increased and I asked for a miracle to be done in my body.
In return to my cry, I saw the most beautiful picture when I laid there before Him. I saw myself holding my daughter. I heard her name and knew He was speaking His promise to me. Although it didn't make sense to take a hold of in the midst of grief, God was priming my heart to receive Him at His word. I knew our baby girl would soon be on her way. All of His promises are yes and amen. 2 Corinthians 1:20 (NIV) says, “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through Him, the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” How good is this?!
I’m beside myself when I recount the journey that my husband and I have walked up to this very day. In a world of so many hurting women who have been through miscarriage, I dreamed of sharing the reality of God’s faithfulness. The manifestation of His promises takes different shapes in all of our lives. We are each given a story to be walked out and shared. I vowed to share mine when the time would come.
...and sure enough, we are expecting our baby girl as promised. She came like fire into our worlds last fall when we prayed to conceive our baby. She exudes strength as God promised. Her heartbeat, her movements...she is nothing short of our miracle and joy.
“Send your light and Your truth; let them lead me. Let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to your dwelling place. Then I will come to the altar of God, to God, my greatest joy, I will praise you… (cont.) put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my savior and my God.” Psalm 43:3-5
Have you been through or are going through a miscarriage or waiting to conceive? What ways can I pray for you and share in the journey with you? Please feel free to comment or email me via Exhale Women.
Anna Lise (Newton) Lillard, Co-Visionary of Exhale Women, calls Austin, Texas home with her husband and they are expecting their first baby in July. Her passion is to help her generation connect with the generations ahead and the ones behind, as well as cross lines of impossibilities with others through the power of prayer and HIS presence. She desires to help women connect to the heart of God. Instagram @annaliselillard